This may be the rawest post; I have ever written. In 2020, I thought there is no way, the years could be worse. Then 2022 came. There has been more loss this year, than any other year of my life. The amount of pain caused by others has been more than I ever thought possible.
I have lived through some really bad times. I have lived through some really good times. I know that both never stay, and it will swing the other way. However, I can’t seem to swing out of the bad times anymore. I am tired. My soul is tired. There is no fight left in me. I no longer want to be seen as the strong one. I want to be seen as a person who is tired of perservance. I am tired of being the one to turn the other cheek for the sake of peace. It is not something I having as part of my character set.
What does that mean? I don’t really know. It does mean, I am so tired of the criticism and efforts to destroy me. I believe in do no harm. If you hate me, just walk away. If you tolerate me, don’t pretend we are better than we are. If we have a history where I thought we worked through the issues, don’t lie to me that you have forgiven me, if you haven’t. I can accept that people don’t like me. I can accept tolerance. I can even accept that you will not forgive me. I can not accept pretending we are something we are not.
I have never felt more alone in this world than I have in 2022. If you have listened to our latest Celestial Compass post, you know that the eclipse season was super hard on me. If you don’t believe the planet alignment and/or moon phases affect people, I don’t care, don’t tell me. HARSH, I know. Where is it coming from?
I am tired of the Christian community and their judgment. I am tired of the non-Christian community and their judgment. I am tired of people who ask for help then destroy you when you give it. I am tired people picking at me over and over, then it is my fault when I finally can’t take it anymore.
I am HUMAN. I have a temper. I will give to the determinant of myself. I will shut you out to determinant to myself. Mostly, I will love you until you completely break me. There is so much love that has broken me, I am not sure my heart has any further capacity.
Please do not call me and say “you need Jesus”. Or “you need energy healing”. Or “you know other people’s actions are them not you”. I know if you make the call, it will well-intended. BUT it will not be helpful. I KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS. I am in counseling. I am on medication. I can self-coach and heal. I attend Reiki Sessions. I DO IT ALL but other’s people’s actions do affect me. Other people’s actions do break my heart. There is a limit to the amount of defamation and destroying a person can talk. I am there.
I will stand up from all this. I will find Joy and Peace again. I will. I am begging you, while I am at my lowest, if I mean nothing to you, please walk away now. Go quietly, don’t make a big scene, and please do not try to destroy me. I promise you whatever Karma I am reaping, lesson is learned and I need no one else to remind me how awful I am.
If you love me, thank you. Stand by…I am trying to heal but I have to figure a few things out.
For everyone else, I hope you will hear me. Most people have good intentions. Most people want to love and respect you. Many people do not know how. If you don’t know how, just be kind. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean they aren’t in your corner. You don’t need to destroy every person who sees the picture differently than you. People change GOOD AND BAD. You can’t stop that, but you do need to deal with the person they are, NOT the person they were.
