Today, I was messaging a friend who had met Dina. He asked about our shenanigans in the desert. My reply was “Dina had such a bad attitude in the desert. HA – not really, I threw a backpack across the desert in a fit. We go to Bataan, and it is the most miserable, fun, and amazing time ever.” I miss the days of shenanigans with Dina. I don’t have to miss Dina because we are still great friends, but deployments, Covid, more deployments, graduations and lots of other illnesses and sorrow. We haven’t had time lately for any shenanigans where we ask each “What do you think the lesson in this is?” That question usually ends with a look.
The message got me thinking about this list of articles I have that I “should” write as a coach. Mostly, they are just boring non-sense to me. I was reading one called Happy Friends = Happy Life. It asked the question how to have a happy friendship, then it launched in a tirade of how people look and don’t smile.
It is true we want friends who make us laugh. We want friends who make us smile. I know those friends mean the world to me. The memories with Dina are ones I can never erase and they will always bring a smile to my face. Rhonda, Jen – they too have provided me more laughter and memories than you can imagine. The outtakes with Nikki and Jen on the podcast are hysterical. All my cousins – the laughter with them I would never give up. I promise the LAUGHTER and SMILES matter.
Happy friends though are not what it is always about. What about the ones who stand with you in the hard times? My cousin lost her daughter recently. Her world is devastated. She loves to laugh and is usually the first one to make you laugh. Those friends and cousins who make her laugh, she needs them. She also needs them to be the shoulder when she can’t laugh. She needs to be held up when she can’t stand on her own. I don’t want to make this all about her, because she is not an attention seeking person and too much attention may make her uncomfortable. It is just a timely message, and she is on my mind and heart as I think about friendship and what it means.
In high school, I called one of my other cousins a snob. She got so mad at me. We talked about it a couple of years ago and she asked if I felt the same way. I told her yes, I do BUT my definition of snob changed. You see, she guards her inner circle, and you must earn the right to be there. You will never see her mistreat anyone who is not in that circle. However, the sacred space of being in her inner circle must be earned. I didn’t understand in High School, because I didn’t really deserve to be there in that circle. I was not good for her soul, at least not on the level that would allow me to be closest. It took me a long time to understand how sacred that inner circle is, and to begin to protect mine at all costs. Thankfully through growth, we deserve each other now. We might not be the first person each other calls, but we certainly have moved way up in importance. I trust her and she trusts me – a way different place than high school. I am so thankful, she always stayed true to herself and teaching me to do the same. So, in the world’s definition of snob, she is not and never has been a snob. By my definition, she has always been and still is rightfully so.
My question to you would be, what is your goal in friendship? Is it happiness? The smiles and laughs only or is there more to it? I hope it is more. For me, it is about the whole package.
When I show up to those in my inner circle, and usually to those not in that circle, it may be varying degrees, but it is still the same. I am transparent and what you see is what you get. I love to laugh and have fun. I love to be able to just be and not need anything grand planned. I will welcome you, no matter how bad you look or feel. I will show up when you need me, no questions asked. I will sometimes go quiet but pick right back up where I left. I will wonder if you are ok, so I call and ask.
What I want from my friends in return? Transparency, Honesty, and Non-judgmental love. I want them to make me laugh when I need it. I want them to sit in the hard times where there is nothing that can make it better. I want them to love me, when I am unlovable. I want them to show up. When they need space and quietly disappear, I want them to return as though nothing has happened.
Friendship is a two way street and there will be days where you give more, and days where you take more.
My kids are growing up, and they go through drama sometimes with friends. As with all of us in highschool and early years, friends come and go. It hurts when you thought they were lifelong and they turn out to be a season friend. One day though, you will meet your people, and when you do, you will know, and it will be amazing. I met some of my people, the day I was born or the day they were born but it took me a long time to realize what I had. Others I met later in life, and I can’t even remember life without them. If I do have a glimpse of that former life, it feels empty.
Rather than reading some article about making your friends happy. Ask yourself – What kind of friend do I want? What kind of friend I am? When these two answers are the same, you will find the people who will walk through valleys of darkness and shout from the highest mountain tops with you. When you find those people, I pray you cherish them.